The Love Travails of Brother W — Iam Wilzspec
I have often wondered about love and its elements. As a pre-teen, I had a sacred perception of love as the soul of the universe. My dreams, daydreams and fantasies all culminated into one mould:
“Love is everything.”
Well, my mind doesn’t work that way again. So what happened along the line that altered my love-matrix? That’s what we are going to find out.
Anna Maduka was my first love interest. A cute-eyed kid from nursery class, what drew me to her was her cute smile. She also had this fine caramel skin-tone, the baba dudu sweet type.
As time went on, the images of Anna got replaced by another stunner, Eghogho. Where did this lovely kid spring from and into my seven-year old fantasy land?
What I remember is one day in church, isolated from my peers, one minute I was killing church ants with a water-gun, the next I was being chased by her. Expectedly, growing up did the sifting and Eghogho got replaced by Ibby Oke.
My formative years had a lot of creativity around them. I began writing fiction at age eight, delved into experimental science also at eight and embraced the performing arts at nine. What I do remember spuring these burst of raw creative force is romance. I wanted Ibby to love the best of me. Can’t say if it actually worked since I didn’t have the courage to ask her out; I mean I was only nine! Whatever the case, my crushing on Ibby marked the turning point in my love-life and nothing was ever going to be the same again.
June 15, 2005: A Day To Remember.
My first love Ginny said, “No!” The date remains resolute for these reasons:
1. It was her birthday.
2. I was crying as I walked aimlessly through the night’s busy streets.
It was Ginny’s birthday and I had waited for a year to ask her out.
She became my neighbour in December, 2003. She had it all; charm, looks, manners and beautiful innocence. We had many fleeting encounters while fetching water. Silence was our music, loud and deafening silence. I was silent because, like the lion in the savannah, I don’t get many chances at success. She was probably silent because she was super shy.
After months of observing the target like a hapless lion, the chance to move in came on her birthday. Kudos to Ibby for stirring up my creative juices! I went poetic on Ginny. I believe it was a diary of events about our meeting that I managed to conjure up. It was so exquisite Martin Scorsese would love to adapt it into a movie.
Unfortunately Ginny didn’t think so, she thought of me as her brother.
This crushed my soul with one swift cold blow that led to the event of me crying into the night-street.
For the next 1,460 days I would be scheming, plotting and calculating my way into Ginny’s heart to no avail. The drawbridge was raised and not even a Knight wielding the legendary Arthur’s sword was going to break through.
As the timeline panned on, I found myself in college while still clinging to the lost relic that was Ginny. Day 1,461 and my very eyes would just spot one unique planet called Osa. She was the sun. I mean literally she was. I moved from the shadows of Ginny into her warm rays in hope and belief.
Love was finally going to be kind and hand me the elusive Acceptance Letter of Admission into the Romance Institute. I was going to work my way up the ladder, from freshman to Dean of faculty.
But wait o! The prerequisite for acceptance into Romance Institute was a pass in Friend-zone 101. That’s a course I had just spent 1,460 freaking days trying to freaking ace. I studied hard and wide, and I used past questions. I got tutorials and attended make up classes. It was time for the dreaded exam and I was ready. At least, that was what I thought.
Osa was my very dear friend. We had a lot in common. From birthdays, to course of study, fellowship, fellowship sub-group, deceased loved one, blood group, genotype and same church of birth. It became so creepy in Year 3 when my room number was Hall 3, Block D, Room 302, Bed C and hers was Hall 2, Block D, Room 302, Bed C. That was too much to be mere coincidence; it had to be fate calling out to me:
“GO GET THE GIRL!”
Go get the girl I did, only by that time it was too late. She turned me down in the most polite and painful way ever known to man. I failed Friend-zone 101 once again, but this time the consequences were much worse. Exams were around the corner and this rejection was too devastating a blow for me that I couldn’t pick myself up. I crashed and burnt like a suicidal high-octane bikerider.
It took some guts, but I picked up the pieces and found Menim. She was the type of girl I never wanted but would come to love.
Significantly younger than I was, taller, lacked innocence, socially woke and didn’t give a damn. That was who I had to become: A happy-go-lucky kind of guy.
I had a fantastic adventure wooing this girl. I clearly side-stepped the irritable Friend-zone from the start with a series of seductive lures. I played the Prancing Tiger and Menim was the Runaway Gazelle. She was quite good in the art of avoiding me but I had my secret weapon all sharpened and ready to strike: Robert Greene’s Art of Seduction.
Menim eventually slipped away inevitably. I had gained one vital lesson: I was a catch and I knew it. This high feeling didn’t get me laid but it didn’t get me disappointed either; until of course I did the stupid thing called falling in love again.
This time I wasn’t going to escape unscathed. Jenny was magnificent; drop-dead gorgeous, tall and extremely curvy, with the cherry on the top, beautiful intelligence.
We met online and struck a pleasant chord. I traveled again to find love and it was surely worth it until I choked. I lost my Robert Greene-esque seductive appeal when it mattered most and relasped back to Friend-zone mode; in other words, Jenny wasn’t feeling the vibe. I was a screw-up and Robert would gladly have returned my money and made
me sign a non-disclosure agreement never to tell anyone I read his book.
The questions began to trickle in: What was I missing here? Was I born a eunuch or something? Love, why hast thou forsaken a Prophet so?
And I probably should have started with this, but all the same, I was a devoted Prophet of love. Oh well, it was time I moved on to better things besides love. Time to abandon the fairytale endings and face facts: Maybe love just totally stinks. However, as a devout Prophet would, I decided to give love one last shot when I met Ruby…