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Guest Columnists

Cayman’s Crib: Nigerian Artistes: The More You Look, The Less You See

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Hello Synners!

My name is George Cayman and I am super excited to have a column here!

“Cayman’s Crib”,as I have decided to name my column, is going to talk
about issues ranging from Education and lifestyle to Science and
Society. I’m basically going to be talking about the human mind, our
environment, some interesting facts about nature, and entertainment
reviews. [Movies and whatnot].

Let’s dig into today’s offering!

 

Nigeria is an ostentatious society. We love money and wealth and we
treat the rich as demi-gods with bags of money in their shrines. Money
is the ultimate goal in Nigeria and not happiness or satisfaction.

Even celebrities are sucked into this poisonous thinking and have to
“keep up with the Jonze” by lying about their material possessions. No
Nigerian celebrity wants to look like he or she isn’t making enough
dough, so they lie about their financial status. No one loves a broke,
starving artiste. Hey, no pain, no gain, right?

As a result, water is made to look like red wine and stone is polished
to resemble Agege bread. It is customary – expected even – for
celebrities to strut around like landlords of planet Earth and live
like royalty, regardless of whether living like this is above their
means. A sort of “fake it till you make it, then fake some more”
mantra.

Well, let’s fact-check a bit;

Do you know that Oga Tati-billion-for-the-akant has a TOTAL net worth
of $14 million dollars, approximately 4 billion naira? Is that up to a
quarter of N30 billion? You do the math.

Do you know that May D went as far as authorizing a statement about
him acquiring a mansion for N150m, when in reality he had only LEASED
one-half of the duplex?

Do you know that Harrysong claims he was born in London, but he left
Nigeria for the FIRST TIME in his life, just 2 years ago?

Do you know that DammyKrane was recently arrested in the US for credit
card and Identity theft?

I could go on and on, but let me not bore the living hell out of you.
Artistes lie about their finances, clothes, cars, and every other
thing because Nigerians love to see fortune and fame being flaunted
around. Yes, we are fame-hungry like that.

Today Davido buys a Range Rover, the next guy wants to get one too.
The only problem is that he does not have enough cash. What does he
do? He borrows from a rich friend or leases one. He then goes to
Instagram and tells you how he bought the car through his hard work.
All for what? To impress his fans on social media. Yes, FANS; You and
I.
We wet dream everyday about how we’ll blow like a hand grenade, ride
exotic cars, have “baby mamas”, and have a feel of the (in Mafikizolo
voice) tchelete – good life.

That’s why in Nigeria, every Tom, Dick, and Harry lucky enough to
string up a rhyme or two, and knows his way to a studio thinks he’s
the next big thing.

They believe all I have to do is sing like XYZ and they will also be
buying a Gold-encrusted Bentley! I wish these fake lifestyles came
with a disclaimer but sadly they don’t.

You know where these next-big-things end up? In the comments’ section
of Nairaland, and other blogs, slashing and burning anyone crazy
enough to slander their favorite musicians.

Related image

Talent is obviously not a prerequisite for good music these days.
Hell, most of our Nigerian artistes don’t know talent if it
bitch-slapped them in the face.
Talent means that you possess an attribute that stands you out. When
you do not have that talent, you overcompensate by flooding the
airwaves with single after single. The idea is pretty basic; beat the
audience over the head till they get it: E fe jo ku. That’s why no
Nigerian artiste can afford to take a sabbatical from music. They’re
all cut from the same unimaginative cloth and the result is the ton of
music that is, fast food, disposable music.

It is a sad situation indeed. Well, if you’d excuse me, I have to go
bob my head aimlessly to Lil Kesh’s “Iranu Abasha”.
Have a blessed week ahead, y’all.

*PlugsEarphones*.

 

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