Dear Sister Beyonce…
You have forgotten your African blood o! Sister Beyoncé, are you no longer African-American, with emphasis on the ‘African’? Ha! Beyoncé, you announced your pregnancy on Instagram! Ha! What was Aunty Tina thinking to let you go public like that? Have you forgotten Karashika? Have you forgotten our neighbor in Aba who lost her baby the moment it became public? Ha! Aunty Tina has let America change her and she has forgotten the ways of our forefathers. This oyibo way will not protect the children in your womb o!
I was just minding my business as usual and gbam! I saw a picture of you wearing only brazier and nika. You were holding your tummy. I was like: this person resembles my ancestral sister…Beyoncé o! But the Beyoncé I know, the first daughter of our aunty Tina will not show everyone her pregnancy na… she remembers her roots. Lo and behold, I read the caption on the picture:
“We would like to share our love and happiness. We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two and we thank you for the well wishes. –The Carters”
Ada nne m, Beyoncé, I shim nini?
This is how people think that going to America can make them white o. My sister, have you forgotten the bad things Mazi Okafor and his family can do? Was it not how the Prophet told Mama Anuli to expect a boy and the baby was turned in the stomach to a girl? Was it not a clinic that told Mama Ogechi to expect twin boys and she gave birth to a single girl? A woman that cannot give birth to twin boys, is that one a woman? Sister Beyoncé, you want the same thing to happen to you?
I blame this oyibo people for this agwa o. I mean, if our ancestors had not shipped our great grandfather abroad, how would he have seen an oyibo woman to impregnate? Eh…If Mazi Okeke had not betrayed our people by selling great grand pa to those slave traders, all these things would not have happened! You would have remembered to cover your belly with akwa oche until you give birth.
Eh, I want to ask o. How do you plan to give birth? Is it like Hebrew women or like lazy women? As Nigerian-Jews, we don’t take the lazy women route o. Tufiakwa! O ma nme! You must give birth like the women of Hebrew. If you have not started eating akpu to get the strength to push, I advise you to do so. We don’t want to hear that our babies are not strong healthy boys.
What of Blue? I hope you know that the Umuada fined you 2 crates of mineral and one akwa oche because you did not use the names they sent to you? What is Blue? The color of mama’s wrapper or what? How dare you call her the colour of mama’s wrapper? Have you forgotten that ihe sina afa eme? That things happen from names? Remember Keziah…she is now the village prostitute o. Olaniyi is now wandering round the village doing nothing. As for Olanike, we heard he is now selling bleaching creams and dropping grammatical blunders on Instagram. Now that you have named our daughter, Blue, what do you want her to become, eh kwa?
Well, please do and come home. We miss you. We take solace in the fact that you have not told anybody the sex of the twins. We know they are two bouncing baby boys. You have given birth to a girl before and we know that Oga Jay-Z is a man…
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