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I Am A Virgin But I Still Have Sexual Thoughts -Dheelicious Musings

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The first time I came across the word “cum”, it was in a Complete Sport newspaper article ahead of the 2004 AFCON in Tunisia. The word was used in reference to former Super Eagles player John Utaka ― the columnist had describe him as a winger-cum-striker, and had enlisted him in his Players To Watch picks for the tournament.
I didn’t know what the word “cum” meant, but in my teenage mind I assumed it was a Latin variant of “and”. I made this assumption because while Utaka had been a winger at his previous club (Esperance of Tunisia), when he got to RC Lens in the French League he was converted into a striker. This positional change happens a lot with African players, and it’s perhaps one of a plethora of reasons why most of them don’t live up to the glimpses of greatness they show at the early stages of their career.
But that new word stuck with me: this one-syllable and three-letter word that was “cum”. There is this pride-induced cerebral awakening that comes from me knowing something new, like the day I knew that words like vex, yarn, and knack weren’t Pidgin but actually normal English words. So I began using “cum” as a substitute for “and” as I basically found it more chic and cool.
Until the day I read an article on feminism about how a woman isn’t a “cum depot”.
Cum depot? That must have been a typo, I thought, because I was convinced something was grammatically wrong with the phrase. But to be sure, I went online and searched the word “cum depot”, and all the links that came up referred me to porn sites. Over time I would come to understand that the word “cum” was actually a conjunction for linking words with dual functions, and a slang term for ejaculation and/or ejaculatory fluids.
At some point every boy becomes a man, and most times this growth comes with attaining an awareness of sex or sexuality. For some, it’s related to the first time they had sex; and for others, it’s related to their first experience of something sexual ― like it was with me in relation to pornography. My searching of the word “cum depot” led to my first real encounter with porn, and while those images might have been inappropriate for me to see at the time, I feel like they also made me less curious about nudity and asserted my sexuality.
Sometimes when I think about all I have come to know about sex and sexuality, it makes me chuckle that there was a time words like head, blow, job, suck, bang, screw, laid, and cum were devoid of the sexual connotations I’m often inclined to attach to them today when teasing friends or failing at flirting with girls. Sometimes I wish I could unlearn those sexual euphemism and innuendos I have come to also understand through social media, but of course, I know that’s never going to happen as such knowledge comes with the territory of being an adult.
I have also come to accept that while it’s perfectly normal for a virgin to have sexual thought and feelings, I must ensure that it never gets to a point where I decide to indulge in sex solely because I can’t control those thoughts and feelings anymore. Quite rightly being a virgin doesn’t make me immune from sexual desire, but perhaps it’s a testament of how determined I am not to lose the tiny bit of innocence that connects me to that little boy who didn’t know what “cum’ meant.
Coin toss!
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